A Special Birthday Story
for UNCLE RICHARD
27th October 2002
Once upon a time there was a world. It was spinning in a galaxy where anything could happen, and I mean anything: pink elephants falling out of the sky, sheep being able to control super-computers, and peculiar-looking things which were once werewolves, but their hair fell out.
It is this particular world that we monitor. And why we monitor it is very interesting, because something very odd is going on. What in particular we are monitoring is a new form of using computers. This form is based by firing from a very great distance nuclear power from a very great distance so that it hits the key of a computer and turns it on.
Why they were experimenting with this is so that they could use this as a system for working computers when you don't want to get up.*
Somewhere near these experiments a light-bulb farmer was getting very annoyed. His name was Fred, and he was still getting very annoyed. So he stomped indoors to talk to his friend. His friend was called Jake, and he was an onion. Now this onion was more significant than it might seem.
So Fred said to Jake: "I just hate them white-coated loonies who be experimenting with nuclear computers."
And Jake said: "Don't worry. I'll do something about it." And he did.
What he did was to put a mirror in front of the key that was to turn the computer on, so that when the nuclear power hit it, it rebounded and blasted back into the machine. There was an overload inside the nuclear machine. Everything was overloading, and they had only a few seconds before it blew up.
So the Chief Scientist (whose name happened to be Richard) pulled the plug out of the machine, to prevent it blowing up. The machine blew up. All the scientists were flying through mid-air, and the chief one landed in a watermelon tree. He fell out of the watermelon tree and landed back to front on his motor bike. So he fell unconscious on the handlebars. But his left arm went down a little and turned the key.
VRRROOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!! That woke him up OK. Just as he jumped off there was a terrifying crash, and he fell backwards. Why he fell backwards was because the motorbike wasn't there. And why it wasn't there was because it had fallen straight through the roof of the train station (this is very odd, because if anything the train station had almost everything running in it except trains).
CRAAAAAAAAAASH! He landed. He did not land as he expected on the remains of a very crushed motorbike. He landed on the remains of a railway line, where the bike had fallen on it. So this Chief Scientist got up and discovered that the bike wasn't within earshot. He presumed it had zoomed off along the track. So he pursued it.
CRUUUUUUUUNCH! A deafening noise came from ahead. The scientist deduced it was his bike crashing into something coming the other way. He was correct. To tell the truth, it was Fred and Jake, and they were driving a five pound note. Or rather the onion was.
"I told you I'd fix them," said Jake.
"That you did," remarked Fred.
But this particular Chief Scientist had quite a few more brains than a dumb brick. So what he did was to jump on to the other track. The onion turned sharply to the right, and crashed straight through the wall. So then the Chief Scientist strolled up the line to find out what was up with his bike. It was in better condition than he'd fancied. True, the light was smashed, the tyre was burst, and it had gone straight through a wall, but apart from that it was fine.
So he had a rather interesting idea. He took the back tyre off, and the front tyre, and took the back tyre onto the bike, and left the front one where it was, and rode home on the wheels. So he put the bike into the garage, and then went back to the computer, to find that once he'd done a few explorations on it, he discovered that only the gun was damaged. The nuclear motor was OK. But it could not work without a gun.
So he went into a gun shop. Not, surprisingly, a nuclear motor gun shop, but an ordinary gun shop, where he purchased a rifle. And so, after some inserting and wiring, the gun was connected to the nuclear motor. He fixed its sights on the computer, and pulled the trigger. It worked. The computer was turned on.
So then he went back home, and after much cursing, much inserting, much wiring, and a lot more than all of this of making mistakes, he had inserted a tiny nuclear motor into the rifle. He pointed it at his computer (turned off), and pulled the trigger. It worked.
Then, having sold the blueprints to a shop, he became very rich, and settled down to live in a huuuuuuuuuuge mansion, where he settled down with a few friends of his, and a heap of computers and motorbikes and stuff. His friends consisted of four friends, and these four friends were: a bottle of wine, a sofa, a long sleep and a rather nice cauliflower named Ewan.
And so he and this cauliflower settled down to be great friends and did science together in a special laboratory deep down below…
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