To Mum,
with heartfelt love,


There once, far long ago, in the bowels of a forgotten land, was a mountain. And built into this there was the hugest castle you have ever seen. And in the castle, tons was happening. For example: the castle being big enough to hold an entire battlefield, not surprisingly did so.

The Captain of the army was a man named Ewan. On the throne at this time was King Rob and Queen Joyce. The castle that they lived in was huge enough to be in two halves. In the other half lived their enemies, the fierce Thraki.

When he wasn't mutilating somebody or in the Throne Room, the Captain of the army generally liked to cause havoc with a fleet of pigs which always hung around him. Why they caused havoc was because there was so bally many of them.

In the kitchens the pigs were ever so annoying. They caused mayhem. Pots went flying. Cauldrons were overturned. Chefs were stuffed into stew. Carrots went crashing. Platters went sizzling. Potatoes kept hitting people. And a special variety of pancake called Chhow was flying all over the place.

One day the King and Queen were just discussing what to do. The Queen suggested, "Why not go to the land of Bism in Narnia?" And the King agreed that it was a good idea. So they went to the Chief Sorcerer, and he magicked them away.

In the land of Bism, where one can eat diamonds, and drink freshly-squeezed ruby juice, they had a good time and a half.

Meanwhile, back at the castle, an invasion had unfortunately just occurred, and in the absence of royalty, the Captain of the army wondered what they should do. Eventually, they agreed that a siege was the last thing that the King and Queen wanted to find when they returned. So before doing anything, the Captain strode to the temple (made of pure gold), and swore that his sword never should be sheathed until the invasion was defeated.

Thenů. full battle!!!!!!!

The entire army marched out to the fields against the Thraki. Every man fought bravely and hard. But for some reason, the harder they fought, the more they lost. Eventually a retreat was necessary above all else. So the Thraki were in control.

But they did not rule one man, the Captain of the army, who locked himself in his room with his pigs. So he planned out a total strategy from inside his room. At first he said, "You've go to be kidding yourself, Captain. I could never lead a one man invasion against thousands of Thraki." But then he said, "Oh yes I could. For I never said anything about a No Pig Invasion."

A few days later, the Thraki guard guarding the Captain heard a click in the lock behind him. The door was flung open, and the guard strolled in. Two seconds later he wished he hadn't. But two seconds later than that he never did anything again. But not by the means of being run over by fifty pigs or so. It was the Captain's sword, as he rushed out after his pigs that removed life from that guard. But there were many others who were trampled to death.

Then the King and Queen arrived home.

Just as they were about to be beheaded by a Thraki, a pig knocked him over, and then the Captain removed the Thraki's head. The same followed in many other places. But fifty pigs and thirteen piglets the Captain had - and by the end he had the same number, for no-one among the Thraki had thought it might be a good idea to attack the pigs. As it happened, they didn't think of it.

So the attack was won, and only one Thraki made it back to the opposite side of the castle alive.

They lived long and peaceful lives in the castle.


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