DADDY'S BIRTHDAY STORY

Chapter One

Once upon a time there was a Daddy. His name was Rob Foxcroft. He had a son called Ewan. They went fishing one day. For bait the Daddy was using flies; for bait Ewan was using worms. The Daddy caught no fish but Ewan caught a trout. Then Daddy tried worms and caught another trout. They continued in this way, receiving salmon, trout, and eels. They were fishing in a river and at one point the Daddy was literally fishing IN the river. He got wet.

Then when they went home they found it was nearly bedtime so they went to bed.

The next day was the Daddy's birthday, so the boy wrote a three chapter story for the birthday present.

The birthday was an unlimited success. There was a menu of nicknames compiled by Ewan :

A few days later it was Ewan's birthday and, heck, what a party! Ewan's favourite present was probably the most painful of the lot, as he was blindfolded and led along the streets in a way he didn't know because they were going round and round in circles. A few minutes after this peculiar way of walking he was sat down in a chair, still blindfolded, and he heard somebody muttering. It sounded as if they were choosing something. A minute later, still blindfolded, a stabbing pain went through his right ear at the lobe. "Yaroo," he shouted. He then felt something metal and then something very very hot, which was probably metal as well, near his ear. He was then picked out of the chair and led home through the streets. When they got home and finally took the blindfold off, Ewan found he'd been led in front of a mirror and he suddenly found himself looking at a mirror image of himself, with a pure gold earring in his right ear.

Then his friends came round and, blimey, what a kafuddle! Everybody was everywhere. Ewan himself accidentally overturned the wardrobe, spilling out coats, ties, jumpers and everything else you would normally find in a wardrobe, including mothballs. Then they calmed down, or at least in their opinion they calmed down. Unfortunately their idea of calming down was actually making the decision to go outside and fling water bombs at each other and generally failing to hit Ewan, who was like any professional monkey, eternally swinging around the tree-tops and dropping water bombs on anything that moved.

Chapter Two

When everybody had finally gone home, Ewan and the Daddy went in the park. They had a very nice park. They swung around the tree-tops for hours. Then they did some more fishing. Then it was Ewan's turn to do some more fishing from the land. The Daddy's hat, it seems, flew off his head and into the water. It seems that Ewan caught it while he was trying to make himself believe it was a peculiar type of salmon.

"I want a ferret," Ewan said to his Mum.
"Over my dead body," said the Mum.
Ewan formed his hand into the shape of a gun and said, "Bang!"
So they got a ferret and popped it into the Daddy's pocket whenever they went to the park. This added to the several pets Ewan already had ie; goldfish, cat, dog. He also had a pet mole.

On his last birthday, which we've witnessed, Ewan received a barrel and he used his barrel for filling. That is, he would fill it with anything - sand, beer, wine, vodka. He also received a CD player/radio/tape machine and a Schubert CD which he listened to over and over and over again. And this CD was his success. He once took it to a music club that he went to and he received a medal for such good music.

But the best present of his last birthday was the most expensive one. It was (drum roll please) a piglet! It slept for most of the three days until the day we were talking about, when it surprised Ewan out of his wits when it shot off at extraordinary speed round the house. And its strength! - it was decided to be impossible to keep the little fellow out of the house. Do what they might, they could not keep him from knocking down the cat-flap (they had insured this would be a problem for the little piglet as the cat had been taught to open the one-way cat-flap. The cat had to lift up the cat-flap with its teeth, using a little handle on the cat-flap. It would then crawl in). This system has long since been ditched as it was found that the piglet would knock the flap down if it couldn't get in. The piglet's name was Piglet.

Chapter Three

When Ewan was a child he always liked eating.

One day it was Christmas and one of Ewan's presents was the one thing you forgot about in reality: a life-size toy rifle.

Ewan had another party with all his friends and this time, if they didn't give a monkeys about discipline last time, all hell broke loose. Probably the worst of the lot was Ewan.

One of his birthday presents last time round had been a miniature motor scooter which actually worked. It was one of those special flying types which actually flew. They were even worse when they broke down and Ewan's did break down in mid flight. Bits flew everywhere. The handle-bars sent Fay reeling out the window. A flying petrol tank walloped Rowan in the face, and Ewan himself sent Tessa and himself sprawling into the wardrobe.

Then when everybody had calmed down, and, more to the point, toddled off home, Ewan had hiccups. He then drank a soothing can of Red Bull and fell asleep. Snore snore snore snore snore. Hic.

The boiler broke down next day and Ewan was forced to drink out of the wrong side of the glass. Because there was no glass, there could be no wrong side of the glass. When the boiler was fixed it was dry in the house. "Boo be bum be dee," went Ewan as he was wandering down the stairs.

Now all this is really amazing, as I'm talking in the third person. Not so amazing you say? Some people in this audience might say, "Not amazing at all". Some others might say I'm not talking in the third person at all, but how would they know when someone is talking about themselves?

The End.

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